LoRen?

We’re sitting in the rain, and we’re feeling like...

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 19:56:51 -0400

We’re sitting in the rain, and we’re feeling like the weather

It's Time

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 22:33:22 -0400

For you to grow up

Doing Something Different Today

Sat, 23 Feb 2013 07:13:27 -0500

And daring. This is the first step towards everything I really want some day. I may not kill it, but I’m sure as hell going to try.

Dude. 10 years old.

Thu, 21 Feb 2013 14:46:21 -0500

Dude. 10 years old.

Round and Round We Turn

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 23:52:32 -0500

It’s so calm, we’ve been in this little tiny apartment all night. It’s so clean, too. But I can’t catch my breath.

I sort of figured this is how it might play out. A year later, she says, nothing has changed…She hasn’t moved on. I disagree. Everything has changed. How do you gauge moving on? I say she’s gotten through. We’ve grown so much, the two of us have. Together, separate, we’ve built new relationships and friendships. Semesters have ended, begun, and ended.

It’s the sadness. The overwhelming cloud that has yet to clear. I wish I knew some remedy for that pain, but it is so unbeknownst and foreign to me. I’m so sad to see it’s effect.

One year. What a daunting idea.

artruby: Ronit Bigal, Body Scripture II, (2010).

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 23:29:34 -0500

artruby:

Ronit Bigal, Body Scripture II, (2010).

Tonight is for Iz and for Avi. I am so thankful for the love I...

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 19:28:51 -0500

Tonight is for Iz and for Avi. I am so thankful for the love I feel from everyone around me, and I wish nothing but the absolute best for all of them. Life is good.

One.Week.

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 21:13:19 -0500

One.Week.

I Could Fill An Ocean With Thoughts

Sun, 17 Feb 2013 01:50:35 -0500

In a little under an hour. Calculations and footnotes, footnotes on those footnotes. I have an incredible inability to stop the rushing river of observations, a flow-of-consciousness rapid enough to drown a fish. Everything. I can’t stop thinking.

I think about how I’m going to make enough money. Enough money to do what exactly, I don’t know. I think about losing weight, how I don’t care about my weight, how all I want to do is lose weight. I think about my friends and what they’re dealing with, about the pace at which they’re walking up that infinite incline, how we’re all making it work. Everyone is fighting and losing and winning and still fighting and it’s sad. I think about him, a lot. Why we are the way we are and how much we’ve improved and how we still have so far to go. And I think about how its so worth it and not worth it at all. I think about the lack of calm in my life, except for him and that bed and his arms and how all that I want to do is stay in bed and hide.

aseaofquotes: Nora Roberts, The Witness Submitted...

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 10:01:44 -0500

aseaofquotes:

Nora Roberts, The Witness

Submitted by n4ff.

The words were jumbled, partially heard, partially lost amongst the strobes lights, the bass, the fun. But I caught half of it. And maybe you didn’t mean it in the grand scheme of things. Maybe in the hustle and bustle pace of each week… it still doesn’t make sense, that maybe it won’t make sense.

But in those hours of sweating and smiling and stealing kisses that ain’t never tasted so sweet, I felt it. And in those hours, it made sense, and you meant it.

Photo

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 09:55:18 -0500

Thinkin

Sat, 02 Feb 2013 11:00:52 -0500

Thinkin

And for the first time in a long time, everything is in crystal...

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 10:50:05 -0500

And for the first time in a long time, everything is in crystal clear focus. And the weather may be gray and the biting wind may whip across my face, but my disposition is that of a warm and comfortable sunset, the sort that slowly drips below a corn field on a summer day, while you sit on the porch drinking sweet wine and reveling in the feeling of everything being just so right.

aseaofquotes: — William Saroyan

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 10:45:44 -0500

aseaofquotes:

— William Saroyan

If You're Reading This, Kaeley...

Wed, 23 Jan 2013 01:43:29 -0500

You started a shit-storm of pot-filled pondering. You’re right, you know. The thought that Meg Castranova and Austin Davis are dating—hilarious. But, as I said, the funnier thought is that him and I tried our hand at the romantic thing. He was pretty convinced that I would fit the bill. For a moment, he thought that I would fit into the black floor-length and strapless sweetheart dress that Meg Castranova will wear when the two of them stroll into Clive Davis’ pre-Grammy’s party, arm in arm. For a minute, I had pictured that I would wear that dress and my hair would be down, long, and curled to perfection, like Meg’s will. The way the two of them will stroll gracefully, floating almost, with political smiles plastered to their faces. Austin would be the image of his father, a future fortune. Meg, the perfect trophy wife.

But I would never fit in that dress. My dress would be red, and short, and tight. It would accentuate my butt to make up for my thick legs. My hair would be up in a loopy, curly mess of blonde. I would be wearing ridiculous high heels and dark black makeup, makeup that I did myself, just like my homemade solid black manicure. I wouldn’t look chic or glamorous, but funky and spicy. I would be a tad too tipsy; the color of my face would mirror my dress. I wouldn’t have been floating.

What twisted reality was I in? I remember hearing him say he wouldn’t be caught dead in a tent, he hated dogs, and was too scared to ever get back on a mountain because he’d broken his arm snowboarding once. And baseball was too important for breaking arms. I hate baseball.

I realized tonight that I’m stuck in the same twisted reality right now, with Tedd. Tonight, after smoking, drinking wine, and sitting so comfortably with Iz and Dan, I listened to Dan talk about this kid who wouldn’t stop saying “Swaggg” in casual conversation. How he wrote this boy off to be a waste of mental space, the product of a generation mediated by the social media. Dan, a great judge of character and near-dear, trusted friend, hit the nail on the head. What did he have in common with this Swagged-out Bro? “And nope, we didn’t end up being friends.”

Granted, Tedd doesn’t walk around saying Swagg or womanizing in the ways that his friends do, but again, our worlds are Black and White. In contrast to Austin Davis, we have common interests and relate to our friends in the same way, but I struggle to respect what his friends do and say, and I struggle to respect the fact that he laughs at what they say. They offer me respect because I demand it, but what befuddles me is that they can waste their time on girls who don’t… That Tedd wastes his time listening to them talk about girl after girl that they’ve slept with. It disgusts me.

Dan talking about judging character, I realize that in my friends I do that so much. I don’t waste my time on girls who seem catty or want to challenge me or belittle me. I’ve cut out the toxic people from my life as friends. Tedd’s friend are toxic in a different way. Almost mentally toxic, in a way they would never even think to consider. I hear them talk about beautiful and brainless babes night-in, night-out. These girls who come from the wood-works to sleep with them and never hear from them again, the kind of girls I think only exist in the movies. And he just listens to his awful friends, and laughs.

I wonder what comes first; the tendency to write or the tendency...

Sun, 20 Jan 2013 23:58:56 -0500

I wonder what comes first; the tendency to write or the tendency to struggle with a day-to-night up-to-down roller coaster of emotions. I suppose I started writing to record, to process, to identify. I wrote observational accounts of my relationships, the beauty I saw in my friends, struggles with my father. And then I found a place previously unfamiliar to a small town someone like me, a place in which the stitching on the borders of myself did not match the larger pattern of fabric. I saw ugly- the internal rotting and stink of soulless humans. I found sadness- so unbeknownst to me prior to this place. And I grew up.

I find happy easily in my day-to-day errands; I enjoy my busy ways. But the awareness of the existence of this ugly sits in my mind like a ten-ton truck, pressing incessant weight upon quiet nights and moments.

A little girl with nothing wrong and she’s all alone

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 22:49:34 -0500

A little girl with nothing wrong and she’s all alone

And who can help but fall off once in a while

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 22:47:15 -0500

And who can help but fall off once in a while

Photo

Tue, 15 Jan 2013 20:59:42 -0500

I’ve been working at releasing the negatives lately....

Sun, 13 Jan 2013 21:24:33 -0500

I’ve been working at releasing the negatives lately. Knowingly heading to Red Square to work for womanizing men who treat their employees like dirt has been a constant battle since the first w4. But yesterday I trotted down church street, dressed, primped, and ready for battle. I chose to dress up, I chose to arrive on time, and I chose to sass Peter when he tried to belittle me. When the result was an early end to my shift, I chose to speak to Alex calmly, rationally, honestly. His response was understanding and patient. It was the first time I’ve fought back and stood my ground, rather than roll my eyes and ignore a comment.

Today I awoke at 6a.m. to head to Stowe to work with rich bitch children, hopeless in their attempts to ski. Yet I got in the car, watched the sunrise, flipped my switch, and entered the world of snotty children and magic carpets with a smile on my face. I find my patience running thin so often, but I continue to fight and press on through the frustration, devastation, the childish tears. The pay is worth it, the life lessons taught by the innocence found in a child’s smile- invaluable.

Tonight I could have texted you, tried my hand one more time, held off plans in the hopes that you would ask me to the movies, to dinner, to lay in your bed watching stupid youtube videos. But I chose to busy myself with Molly, and Jordan, and Isabel. With wine and cigarettes and too much good food. And I found laughter and completion.

I’m good at happy. For years, I’ve found happiness hidden under the embroidered flowers of my bedspread, tucked in the sock drawer. Through my work and my studies and my friends, I’ve found pride in myself. You’ve distracted me, though; broken the learned concentration and focus on a life of Happy. You’ve caused quiet and concerning thoughts late at night in the lonesome darkness. I resent you for it, and still, I catch myself waiting.

You’re not going to change, I see that now. I accept it. A naivety realized and left behind, I’ve finally understood the way that We Will Be. My finger nails have been digging into this, though you’ve never realized. Knuckles white, for six months I’ve waited for you to wake up, gasping in the realization of how easy I’ve been for you to be with.

I see now that you do know this, but the realization was not breathless and it will not be a turning point. Because it is not me, it is you.

You will no longer be a negative for me. There will be no break up, and I’m not letting you go. But I’m letting go your Negative. At 23 years old you have some growing up to do. I’ll be around. You will get some of me, but not the best.