Fuck it, I'm inadequate. What can you do?

Amazing night yesterday. I went home with Isabel to Vergennes to watch the Superbowl/ write our essays at her house/ enjoy the comforts of a home cooked meal. I woke up from Sunday morning to a gorgeous and sunny day, a good 30 degrees and popped out of bed to go running. We went to Simpson for a nice big brunch with Max and Tucker and Becca before Isabel’s mom come to pick us up. I had my first omelet since being here and oh my god so good. I think I might buy eggs and veggies when my parents come this weekend so I can make them sunday morning with Jordo :]

So we went to Vergennes and her house is on the smallest little dirt road in the middle of miles of corn fields. The sun was setting when we got there and it reflected off the fields creating this amazing golden glow in every direction, her quaint little house placed in the middle of all of this. It’s a lot like Megan’s house in the sense that it is old and has a very rural feel to it. She has a little barn across the road with two horses and Cole (llama above). He was awesome and literally attacked my phone when I tried taking a picture of him.

She drove me around town and we stopped at her little cafe Three Squares, where she works in the summer. The girl working knew her and made us delicious veggie pesto wraps for free. We weren’t ready to go start our papers yet, so she drove me down this really long and windy dirt road until we came around a corner and there was one of the most gorgeous lakes I’ve seen in a while (pictures 2 and 3). The sky was purple and gold and reflected off of the lake. We sat on a bridge and ate our sandwiches while she told me about the time she did mushrooms in that exact spot with Jacob. We talked about the summer and Max and Tucker and why they are the way they are. She made the really interesting point that what is strange about me joining her and Tucker at college is that they are both so inwardly sad and I am so full of life. She said it in a positive way, meaning that its a good pick up for them, but it really did make me sad too. Tucker has admitted to having feelings for me, and I love him to death, but only in a friend way and I know that him seeing me with Jordan pisses him off. It’s also funny that they see me as the uppity one. In other social situations I feel like I’m reserved and withheld, but with the two of them I have the goofiest, weirdest sense of humor and they think I’m such a little blonde whack job all the time. I don’t know how it started, but thats the social role I’ve taken up in their presence, and I like it. Isabel told me she hasn’t laughed as hard as we were laughing in the Marche the other night, which also makes me sad because I feel like I laugh that way a lot. But it makes me happy that at least she is laughing.

After talking for a while we went home and ate delicious homemade chilli, courtesy of Miss Mary-Beth and then wrote our essays until about 12. Before bed, we raided her sister’s room for clothes and instead found a tiny bag of weed. We joked saying shit like “yeahhh bro let’s get high of this little bit of weed!” but then we smoked it and for some weird reason we both did get really really baked, so we stayed up and talked for even longer. There really is a chance I might live with her this summer, while working in Burlington. It would be so much fun and way more practical money-wise than living in Burlington and paying rent. I went to bed happy and high, so glad that she shared this little bit of home with me. It made me so excited to see my parents this coming weekend :]

Tonight it was 45 degrees outside and Jordan took me down to the pier. We walked out to the benches and sat and watched the gorgeous sunset and talked and laughed. Its weird, we’ve still never hooked up sober, avoiding admittance of feelings, but this is clearly going somewhere. He wants me to come back over tonight to make CDs and watch a movie. I’m happy and he makes me laugh and I know he likes me, but I get worried about letting go and committing to this. The difference between him and anything at Burg is that it didn’t matter all that much with say Pat or Austin because deep down I knew we were so different and that it wasn’t ever going to last. This feels like it could last, and as stupid as it sounds I don’t want to get dicked over again. I’m probably just being a puss. Whatever, day by day by day.