LoRen?

Last night was fucking awesome. There’s something so magical about combining whiskey and good live music. Especially when you’re adding great people to the occasion. I had a blast, it was very similar to the amazing time I had at KTao with the boys last year on St. Paddy’s Day. Happily jumping, dancing, swingin’ and singin’ the night away. Jamie is a great dancer. I have a theory that shitty club electronic is the best way to make yourself look like a fool while dancing. Or grinding. Not sexy. Real sexy dancing is swinging and anything goes ridiculous all out music.

Isabel and I danced around, grabbing anyone and everyone, twirling around and just making friends. I remember hanging on Shawn and Shoshana, as well as dragging Isabel to the very front of the concert, right beneath Sister Sparrow. What a sexy woman. She looked down at me and pointed at my pants and winked, “nice pants” she breathed in her husky/sexy voice. Jamie pretty much nut himself.

As much fun as I had with Jamie and Co., I just wanted to end the night with Jord. I’m going to talk to Jamie soon, but I’m scared of losing this group of amazing people if he gets angry. But I really really like Jordan and don’t want to lose that.

Anyways, Kae and Ken and Elise come tonight and me being excited is an understatement. And its snowing. That is all :]

I woke up today, showered, threw up from eating the entire mixed chocolate heart box with Isabel while we were high last night, lit some incense, regrouped, got dressed, and opened my door to leave. There was a single sunflower in a mason jar with a notecard that said: Lo.

Next to the jar was a big card with a printed out picture of Cole (Isabel’s llama) on it. Blushing in my complete alone-ness, I picked it up and brought it into my room, giddy almost at the thought that Jordan would do that for me. I open the card and read one sentence:

Thank you for making me smile every. day.

-Rufus.

Rufus is Tucker.

Hmmm..

Touching is strange. There can be so much to a touch, or so very little. Touch comes in all varieties and shades. There is the intentional touch of a stranger, say, if you dropped something and they tap you on the shoulder to alert you, wearing a polite and unintrusive face. There is the unintentional touch of a stranger, a bump on a crowded subway, an awkward apology. The warm touch of a friend, a grasped arm, a knowing hug, full of history and love and understanding. There is the touch of a mother- unconditional and uncontested, proud and worried and at this point, longing. The angry touch towards a fussy toddler, a spank on the rear, a pull of the arm.

And then there’s the most uncomfortable, intrusive, warm, tender touch of maybe a lover. Slow and light, up and down the spine, tingling and foreign. I haven’t been touched like today in so long. Desirous and passionate, a touch meant totally for my pleasure. He was so selfless. We laid in bed for hours, talking, laughing, kissing. We grazed noses and laughed at ourselves. How could we not? Ridiculous and cliche, but I don’t even care. On the drunk bus we sit in the corner, foreheads together closing off the world, unconcerned with how disgustingly cute we look. I haven’t been in this position in so long. Never with Pat or Austin did I feel so clearly vulnerable, so grossly happy. I’m not apologizing either because as much as I’ve laughed at people in this strange honeymoon stage, I’m allowed to feel this way too. Greg called me out on it when I was filling him in the other day. He told me it’s okay to feel stupid and giddy and who cares if other people are looking at us? And he’s right and he knows me better than anyone and I should listen to him and let this happen.Because it’s making me so very, completely, disgustingly happy.